counting down

Right then, as of today I have only 4 days left at work until I go on holiday…

ALONE!!!

Yes, that’s right, I am holidaying alone and I am shitting myself. lots.

Luckily (and after lots of pissing around) my parents go away at the same time and they’ll be at the airport with me but once we get to Alicante, we go our separate ways for a week. I thought they were going to Nerja but apparently that’s nowhere near Alicante airport so clearly I was wrong. I’m sure it’s an ‘N’ word though. *shrugs*

So, I’m at a place now where I want to grow up. My mum always used to bitch and moan about us kids growing up too quick, then she began complaining that we were immature and now she doesn’t seem to complain about me much at all (because I’m her favourite) but personally, I feel I want to get moving with my life, make changes and grow up.

I want…

1. a big house
2. a reasonable career
3. to be settled 
4. to be independent

To date, I only have number 2, the reasonable career. It’s not high powered or really important but I love it and I love the people I get to speak with every day, so 1 out of 4 isn’t too bad. It’s better than 0 out of 4, isn’t it?

Now, anyone who knows me knows the drama with my driving and the fact that I suck at it. I’m not a competent confident driver and I want that to change. I want to be able to drive to the coast to visit my nephew and not worry about being in the car on my own.

I want to make changes in my life and sort myself out, preferably before I reach 30. The way I’m going, I won’t have achieved anything. I’ll end up a sad lonely cat lady who my friends feel sorry for.

I know my parents are reasonably proud due to the fact that I left school with nothing, and yet have scraped together some form of career.  See, I need routine, normality, stability, so having a career is just normal, it’s not hard work. Really though, nothing I do is hard work. I keep myself out of situations that would make me uncomfortable, I don’t challenge myself… and that’s why I decided on this holiday.

I am going away for random long weekends this year with my friends but I really wanted to do something, as sort of, a test, something whereby I would have to rely on me and nobody else, where I would be worried and nervous and not have someone else to fix it.

I know it’s only Spain BUT I wouldn’t do anything on my own normally so this is a huge thing for me. I’m the one who no matter how much I need the toilet when I’m out shopping, I’d wait til I get home instead of going into a cafe on my own. If I was thirsty or hot, I’d wait til I got home rather than sitting alone and having a drink. I just wouldn’t do it. There would be too many questions buzzing round my head…

“what do people think when they see me alone having a drink” - “do I look like a loner?” - “do people think I have loads of cats at home?”

After a couple of those questions, I’d be getting my things together to get the hell out of there and go home. I wind myself up.

So, unless I want to starve I will have to get over this and get used to being on my own, for one week anyway. I’m hoping to come back different, not as is sex-change different or thinner, but more independent and more confident.

Last year was messy with fall-outs between friends and family and this year I want it all to be better. I want to not have to rely on people for anything. I think that if I’d been more confident and independent last year, the drama would have bothered me less. I would have been able to think “ahh well, I’m ok, fuck everyone else” where in reality I though “shit, I’m on my own again. I don’t have anyone”

I may be late in making New Years resolutions but I am determined to sort myself out this year. I will not reach next Christmas without something having changed for the better.

Ooh, I feel all empowered and Spice Girl now - I’ll have to re-read this post before I go on holiday (or take plenty of Baileys as Irish dutch courage).